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Zombie Diary



Here is the story of my life as a zombie. Feel free to kick back, have some brains, and read.

Hi,my name is Tucker and I'm a zombie. You might think being a zombie is odd in this day and age, but here I am. By the way, these entries go from newest to oldest, just in case you were wondering, you dumbass.

**Note** When originally written, this entry was a little weak, so I just figured I'd translate it into ebonics, I also translated it into german, then back into English. Mo' Fucka

I haven't updated muh ma fuckin site in uh while, dat'scuz skoo started ag'in. I wuz trying ta werk it so I had four periods o' woodshop an' then got ta jet at lunch but muh ma fuckin councilor didn't like dat so he put me in all da normal classes. I th'o't one o' muh ma fuckin teachers iz uh robot. His name iz Mr. Fisher, an' da first day uh student (idiot) asked him if we's could page him Mr. Fish. He said, "Negative, I be not yo' nigga. I may act friendly, but I be not yo' firend." I brought in uh tape o' dat "Mr. Roboto" song by Styx an' play it all da tyme in dat class now. They still don' gots brains in da cafeteria, so I gots ta feast on muh ma fuckin fellow students. Like dis here one gangster guy, I called him an idiot, so he kept saying things like "Step up" an' "I'm going ta smoke yo' ass cracka!." I promptly ganked him an' ate his brains. All da cowboys iz gone from muh ma fuckin skoo fo' some reason. I th'o't dey all graduated ta cowboy college or somethin'. Maybe da rodeo came through hood an' dey all ran off wiff it, getting kicked in da heads by bulls professionally now. we's had uh big rally fo' da football game. Ms. Arcy (gigantic bitch) wuz dere an' I hit her in da head wiff uh full bottle o' RC cola, which I thought wuz quite fitting. I also gots uh teacher dat looks like uh giant fetus. I just thought I'd throw dat in.
what 'chew trippin foo'

I do not have my Site in when, those am updated, because school began again. I tried to process it therefore I had four periods received woodshop from and then, in order to go at the lunch, but mine councilor did not like that he inserted me in such a way into all normal categories. I think that one of my teachers is a robot. Its name is Mr. Fisher, and the first day asked a class participant (idiot) it whether we could call it Mr. Fish. He said, " negative, is not I not your friend. I can function friendly, but I am not it firend. ", I got into a tape this Song " Mr. Roboto " by Styx and play it now the whole time in this category. They still do not have brains in the Cafeteria, therefore I must enjoy on my Mitkursteilnehmern. Like this cord with gangsters I called it an idiot, therefore he held to say things as " increases you " and " I is going TA-Rauchyo ' Eselscracka!.", I terminated it immediately and ate its brains. All cowboys by my school out of any reason are gone. I think it completely gradated to the cowboy university or somewhat. **time-out** possibly come the rodeo by city and it deactivate whole with it and receive in the heading by bull step, professional now, which we a large collection for the soccer game have. Ms Arcy (gigantic female) was there and I struck it in the heading with a full bottle RC Kolabaum, which was I rather suitably thought. I have also a teacher, who looks like an enormous Foetus. I just thought that I would throw that inside.

Well, school is almost here again dammit. I went shopping for supplies (guns, knives, and of course pencils) today. When I was at the mall I saw Old Man Sebek there. He was lecturing some little kids about how "back in the day" they didn't have all this fancy stuff like escalators and hot dog on a stick. I keep hoping that old fart is going to keel over one of these days, but he never will, he'l just keep getting older and older. They had one of those Halloween superstores at the mall. I like to go into those and stand really still, then when little kids come to admire the cool zombie statue, I grab them and eat their brains. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, and tastes much better than the crap they have in the food court (meaning the fat Mexican women working at the Chinese food place). After I left the mall I headed over to Zombie Sean's but he wasn't there. I did find some money and a tv though. That's what he gets for not being home.

Somebody mailed me the head of Zombie Sean today. It was really pissed when it got here. He said it got cut off by some mob guys who got mad when he made fun of their accents and their greasy hair. Luckily we had put a tag on it a couple months ago that says, "If found, please mail to Zombie Tucker." He said his body was at a bus stop somewhere in south central L.A., so I got to drive his Zombie Truck down south. When we got to south central, he couldn't remember which bus stop it was at so we had to drive around for like five hours. People kept calling us "Cracka" and "Bandejo." We finally found his body but remembered we had no way to re-attach it to his head. So on the way back up north we kidnapped a boyscout who had a sewing merit badge and held him at gunpoint until he re-attched Zombie Sean's head. Oh yeah, the INS came and took all the imagrants I was going to sell to a sweatshop. Oh well, I guess I'll have to find another way to make an easy $20.

Zombie Bob and I decided to go to the beach today. There's nothing quite as frightening as the sight of a zombie in a bathing suit, and zombie bob made it worse by wearing this tattered old pair of speedos. He said it was "quite the thing" in Europe. A lot of people threw up when they saw him. We couldn't actually go into the water (salt is bad for rotten flesh) so we built this huge fort out of sand hid inside. When anyone would pass by, we would throw rocks and jellyfish and dead seagulls at them. Eventually word made it to the lifeguard that we were causing trouble and they came with a bulldozer and plowed over our fort. I managed to get out, but I don't know about Zombie Bob. I think he got buried. Oh well, it's not like this is the first time he's been buiried alive.

After that happened I left the beach and went into the mall. They already had all their Christmas decorations up and Santa was there. I think they remembered me from last year because they had all these really buff looking midget wrestlers as the elves. Well, I never had let midgets get in my way before, and I wasn't about to now, so I found some ugly lady with facial hair (the bearded woman is the natural predator of the midget) and she scared them all off. Then I threw and Icee at Santa. I sure showed him.

Some Capcom goons came after me today. I guess they heard about my little protest (see the "Stop The Hatred" portion of my site). Anyway, they said they felt really bad about the injustices to the zombie people in their videogames and that they wanted to hire me as a consultant on a new "pro-zombie" video game. Victory is mine, i thought as I got into their limo and headed to Capcom headquarters. But as soon as we got out of town the dragged me out of the car and beat me with clubs for three hours. Then they left me on the side of the road 50 mile from the nearest town. I had to hitch a ride home with a gay trucker. He was really drunk and kept coming on to me, so I threw him out of the truck and drove home myself. So I'm back home now. I did get beaten, but now I have a truck full of tomatoes and mexican imagarants in the front yard, I'm sure I can use them for something, maybe sell them to a Kathy Lee sweatshop or something.

I went to a Limp Bizkit concert today. It's not like I like Limp Bizkit, it's just that I'm not going to pass up the chance to nail Fred Durst in the head with a water bottle. I guess this was one of their Napster promoted free concerts, because right in the middle of it Metallica busts in and starts making their way to the stage. Metallica and Limp Bizkit on the same stage, what an opporitunity for some water bottle hurling, I thought. So I went over to the nearest concession stand and asked for 10 bottles of water, the attendant said that would be $100. Now I had heard about the whole "overpriced water" at Woodstock '99, but this was ridiculous. Meanwhile Durst and Ulrich were having a fist fight on stage. I knocked out the concession stand attendant with "smash in the head with rock attack" (complemets of Mr. Sebek), and took a bunch of water bottles and started hurling them at the two warring bands onstage. I nailed Durst in the head really hard and he was down, then I systematically took out the rest of the band, the only person I couldn't take down was that damn lead singer from Metallica, no matter how many times I hit him in the head with a water bottle he just wouldn't go down. Eventually the whole place just erupted into a riot and I left.

It's been a while since I've written in my diary. That's because I got a job. I was working at a coffee shop. I don't know how I actually got the job, I just wandered into the coffee shop and they told me to start washing dishes. I was there for two weeks. One day I was going into the back to clean the bathrooms, and a bunch off little kids ran out the back door laughing. When I went into the bathroom I saw they had tried to spraypaint something about a "smelly zombie" on the wall. Damn kids... Then some old lady came in complaining about how her coffee wasn't hot enough. I argued that it was plenty hot and when she said she wanted another cup I threw the entire pot od coffee at her face, it horribly burned her and I said, "The fucking coffee is hot enough!"
We make these blended drinks that everybody likes too, I hate making them, because they take too long, so I just fill a cup with ice and dirt and blend it together. That's when they fired me. So I stole the managers car.

I hate baseball. It has to be one of the most boring sports ever. Unfortunately, some "friends" of mine tricked me into going to a Dodger game yesterday. They said we were going to go to Disneyland, but when the car finally stopped and I got out (expecting to see the magic kingdom) we weree at Dodger Stadium. Boy was I pissed off, I would have left but I didn't have a ride home. So I had to sit through it. When everyone was first entering the stadium I told as many people as I could that it was "Fuck With The Peanut Vendors Night." I said that the best pranks would be rewarded with cash prizes. Those vendors sure got pissed, there were bags of peanuts being hurled at peoples heads before the 2nd inning.

A warning comes up at the start of the game that says "Anyone caught running on to the feild, throwing objects onto the feild, or disrupting play in anyway is subject to expulsion or arrest." I did all three. I started by throwing a loudmouthed kid onto the feild, then I ran out onto the feild when stadium security came after me. Then I grabbed the pitcher, tore off his arm, and used it to defend myself from the gaurds. The whole place erupted into a huge riot. Let's just say that by the end of the night, the stadium was in flames, police were everywhere, and zombie Tucker was nowhere to be found....hehehe.....

I guess I should tell you what happened to zombie Sean...It was pretty funny actualy. When I got to where Sean was fighting it out with the cops he was up on top of the post office bell tower shouting about equality for all and that he was a peaceful person trying to free the oppressed, then he lit several police and one old lady on fire with his mind. I thought I better join in to I started throwing rocks. I hit a couple police officers and another old lady (bad day to be old I guess). Once we got tired of this we went to get some Chinese food. Zombie Sean said he didn't like the service so he set the building on fire. I really liked that restaurant and was getting sick of all these fires. Damn that Zombie Sean. So I brained him with a parking meter and tore the damn tumor out of his head. He was really mad....I hope he'll still give me rides....

Well Zombie Sean is psychic. We found out he had a brain tumor or something and it's giving him psychic powers. We first discovered this when we were driving on the freeway and someone cut us off. Zombie Sean yelled something about "braining them with a tire iron" when the car that cut us off burst into flames. I laughed really loudly. So Sean has been thinking that he's going to become all smart like John Travolta in that one movie, but so far he's still the same. He's kind of drunk on power at the moment...right now he's fighting off a cadre of police officers in town, I'm watching it on the news right now, a lot of them are on fire. He just saw that x-men movie too so he keeps saying he is the newest x-man and that he has to fight off the forces of evil, which I guess happen to be the police...oh well, I guess I'll go down and join him....

There has been a vicious Pokemon gang roming the streets of my town lately. I think they took the whole "Catch 'em all" thing too seriously. They have been going around with their damn Pokeballs and putting cats and dogs and even little kids into them and then making them fight each other. Now I would normally think this was funny, but the other day the little punks came after me. They kept saying I was a "Zombiezar" and that I was the rarest of the Pokemon. I tried to fight them off but the combined force of fifty ten-year-olds on sugar rushes was too much for me, so I ran off and called the police. The police said there wasn't anything they could do because it technically wasn't illegal to catch people and train them for the Pokeleague, plus Nintendo had just bought the police station and was trying to discourage any anti-Pokemon activity. So I had to think of a plan to get rid of them myself. I would have thought of something really clever, but I got bored and just bought a gun and shot the little kids.

Well it's the fourth of July. I decided to go to the parade our town has, and I brought Zombies Bob and Sean too. It was a pretty crappy parade. There weren't even any Shriners. I love chasing those guys around when they're in their little cars. Last parade we had Bob took one and was talking about taking off to Mexico or something, but the littel thing ran out of gas four blocks away. So this year Bob, Sean, and I just put a peice of paper on the side of Seans truck that said, "Zombies say go to hell!" Then we drove along the parade route throwing candy to kids to lure them close and then pelting them with paint filled water balloons. Some police came on horses looking all self-important and told us to stop so I got out of the car and broke a leg on each horse with a baseball bat. They had to shoot the horse right there in front of the kids.

Later we went to the fireworks show at the high school. Bob had bought some fireworks of his own during his last buisness trip to mexico, so we diverted traffic and made our own fireworks show. Addmission was $5 a peice. We managed to make $3 (I think Zombie Sean was stealing from our change drawer). After a couple hours of handing out M 80's to little kids. We went over to the actual fireworks show. It cost $6 to get in ($6 too much in my opinion)so we tried to sneak in back. Unlucky for us they had guard dogs. We would have eaten them but guard dogs usually taste bad and aren't worth the effort, so we ran away. We eventually just paid our way in. We were going around for a while throwing fire crackers into the Jolly Jumps, when some stupid girl came up to me and started to pick a fight. We happened to be at the top of the stadium at the time so I picked her up and threw her off of the edge behind the stadium, I don't think anybody found her. When the fireworks did finally go off, one malfunctioned and set part of the school on fire. I was hoping this would get summer school cancelled but it just burnt down the woodshop building. Curses, foiled again....

Zombie Bob and I had a day on the town today, but you can read about that boring crap on his page. When I was coming home however I had another run-in with my British zombie hunting friend. He had about 10 pitchfork wielding townsfolk with him. "You scum will no longer terrorize this town," he said. "Go away," said since I was tired after having stopped by the bar for a few drinks after I left Bob in the park. I tried to stagger around them, but they started trying to poke me with their damn pitchforks. I hate pitchforks. Luckily I had a beer bottle with me, so I broke it in half and cut up one of those lousy townspeople's faces (pretty boy Pete) good. He sure ain't pretty no more. After that I wandered over to the gas station and paid for ten dollars of gas. I sprayed it all over the zombie hunter and his cohorts and then lit them on fire. The station attendant came out and told me that that was an improper use for gasoline or something like that but I just ignored him and went home....

I went to lunch with Zombie Bob, Kyle, and Kali today. Kyle and Kali don't like brains (they won't even try them), so we went to Carrows. I really hate Carrows, so I figured I would play a little trick on them. We were going to go to Bob's house first to get some money, but I insisted that I would pay for lunch. After we finished eating the check came and I acted like I had no idea that I was supposed to pay. Zombie Bob got really mad and started calling me a "Lying Scoundrel" amongst other things. So I said I'd go over to Bob's house and get some money. They agreed so I went to Bob's house, got the money and then went and bought a CD, some gummi bears, a couple of 40's, and a novelty hat. When I finally headed back to Carrows I got jumped by some British guy who said he had been paid to rid the earth of my hellish form. Now I took offence to this, and told the guy his ass was as good as dead. This was the biggest puss of a zombie hunter I have ever met, he actually ran away. When I finally got back to Carrows, I told them some kids had stolen the money while I was dealing with the zombie hunter. So we just snuck out without paying.

I had to go to the store to get some new clothes today. All my tattered zombie rags are falling apart. I hate shopping, but I have tons of fun in department stores. First I went around and looked for guys in the women's underwear sections. When I saw one I would yell really loud, "Look at that guy! He's buying womens underwear! I bet he's wearing some right now!" Every one around always laugs really hard at them. Some people got mad, and a few of them just broke down and cried. The ones that cry I usally follow around the store for a while with some thong panties yelling, "Sir, you forgot your cross dressing panties!" After I got tired of doing that I kept grabbing the storewide microphone and saying things like, "Whoever gets to checkout number 3 first will recieve a lifetime supply of clothes and get to meet the Backstreet Boys!" It's funny because all these teenage girls practically kill each other to get to the checkout. One time they trampled some old lady. The security guards kicked me out that time. Usually they aren't strong enough to kick me out, but I was laughing so hard about the old lady that I couldn't do anything. After they threw me out I decieded to leave for the day. I ended up not getting any clothes.

HAHAHA!!! Zombie Bob, Zombie Sean and I really got back at the police station today. I was our finest hour. First we broke into the zoo and stole about 50 colibus monkeys. We put them into the back of Seans truck and then threw in a couple of kangaroos for good measure. Then we drove down to the station and jammed all the doors closed except one. We waited until all the police came to work the next day and when they were all inside we released the monkies and the kangaroos, then we locked the last door and left them in there. You could hear a lot of screaming, feces hitting the wall, and things breaking. After a while of listening to it we got bored and left.

Zombie Sean convinced me to go paintballing with him today. We went to some old abandoned oil refinery. I guess we weren't supposed to be paintaballing there because some cop with a shotgun came and told us all to leave. But I knew this cop. He and I had had some run-ins in the past. He was really against the whole "random murder" thing that people accuse zombie Bob and I of. Well anyway, he recognized me and shot his gun at me, but luckily I pushed some little kid in the way and he took the brunt of the attack for me. Then I threw the body at the cop and he dropped his shotgun. I was really mad at him for ruining my paintball trip and didn't want him to get off easy with the usual brain eating, so I tore off his leg and beat him with it for a couple hours. When I was finally convinced he was dead everybody else was gone and I once again had to take the bus home. That police station is going to pay....

I was walking home from summer school the other day (because I failed english...for eating my teachers' brains) and I had to pass through this small grove of ucaliptus trees by my house. As I walked through the grove I came upon some environmental camp for losers. They were all talking about how this crappy grove of trees and standing water was an important part of our ecosystem. I can't stand to hear loads of crap like this so I found a hornets' nest and threw it at the environmentalists. They started talking about how the hornets were a part of nature and that you shouldn't kill them or throw their nests at people. I told them that they were lower in the food chain then me and ate about four of them. The rest I just beat with a treebranch and left for dead.

Well today is my first real day as a zombie. It's much harder to be a zombie than I thought. Like when I tore off the head of my neighbors cat and ate it's brains they got all mad and called the police. They made me stay in their yard until the police came. I got really bored and fell asleep. When I woke up I was on an examining table at the coroners office. They were about to start examining me, so I yelled, "Get the hell away you crazy necropheliacs!" I think they all just about shit themselves. Hmmm, well at least I know what I can do for fun now, I thought. I had been asleep for a while and was pretty hungry so I took one of the doctors who had fainted and ate her brains. Then I took the bus back home. Nobody seemed to notice I was a zombie on the bus. When I got home I went back over to my neighbors house. I was mad at having to take the bus, so I ate their son. That'll teach 'em.

Anyway, I was a normal high school student up until a couple of days ago. I enjoyed the things that most kids my age do, hanging out with friends, beating up smaller kids, making fun of the stupid kids, and other stuff like that. But lately I had gotten involved in this grave robbing ring. I really didn't want to get involved with these guys, but I had lost some money betting on a fight between two gangs at my school OSL (Old School Latinos) and the local white power cowboy wannabes. I had my money on OSL but the cowboys brought thier pickup trucks and ran all the poor Mexicans over. I lost big on that one. I had no way to pay back the local bookie so he suggested I start robbing graves or mugging peopel. I decided on the grave robbing because I figured dead people were less likely to recognize me and point me out to the cops. So I convinced my friend Quinn to be lookout while I robbed the grave of some dead Hatian guy. You think I would have realized that somebody from Hati would be more likely to be a zombie, than some guy from Arkansas, but I didn't really take that into account. So anyway, I had just about dug this guy up when he burst out of the casket, yelled, "BRAINS!!!" and bit my arm. (I wonder if he thought that's where my brains were). It really hurt so I punched the zombie in the face and he ran away. I went over to Quinn and he said, "That must have really hurt." I was about to punch him when I noticed my heart wasn't beating. This is bad, I thought. But then Quinn said we should go get Chinese food so I forgot about it untill the next day. And when I woke up this morning I found out I am a zombie.

A woman mountain biking; Actual size=180 pixels wide

This is not a picture of me. I am not a woman and I do not enjoy hiking. I did, however, kill this woman and eat her brains the other day.

Favorite Foods:

1. Brains
2. Chinese food
3. Cup of noodles

Things To do:

1. Eat brains
2. Try to figure out how old Mr. Sebek really is
3. Pick up Zombie Bob from Betty Ford